10 Commandments of “Netflix and Chill” (with people)

Tolulope Ebiseni
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Wait. You’re probably wondering what I mean by Netflix and Chill. In this article, the definition is restricted to watching or bingeing a film or show with friends or family, and if the other meaning (IYKYK) is what you thought this article is about, then you’re on the wrong page. You can find similar content to what you’re looking for on Pornhub(you don’t have to thank us)

 Now that we’ve chased the bad kids away, let’s get into it. Imagine hosting a movie night with friends or family and there is just one bad egg that isn’t letting you enjoy the moment, or you’ve been noticing that your friends don’t invite you for movie night — that’s because you’re bad vibes but I can fix you.

Here are ten commandments to solve your troubles:

Thou shall not be a talkative/reviewer while watching films with others

Don’t be this person. No one likes this person. Why exactly can’t you keep your mouth shut for 2 hours? We know you’ve seen the movie before and you know all the actors. Viola Davis is your aunty, and you went to film school. Frankly, your services aren’t needed here. Wait till the end of the film; I promise you won’t die.

Thou shall not skip the raunchy or sex scenes.

Dear Mummy G.O, if you don’t want to see genitals, why are you watching “Sex Education”? This is a trite law of Netflix and Chill. Violation is punishable by banishment and exile. Stop censoring what we watch. The NFVCB (National Film and Video Censors Board) already does that (horrible) job. You’re bad vibes, and that’s why your friends don’t invite you anymore.

Thou shall not ask too many questions.

Why are you asking questions when you all started the film together? If you paid enough attention to the film, you wouldn’t be asking these questions. Drop your phone and shame the devil, everyone already thinks you’re slow.

Thou shall not download a film of low-quality format.

Imagine coming all the way from Ikorodu to the island for a movie night with your friends, only to find out that the picture quality of the film is subpar or 360P, the format downloaded is in Dutch instead of English, and the subtitles won’t just follow. Ditch these friends. They don’t want your happiness and they are razz.

Thou shall only pick/watch movies everyone agrees to.

Don’t be a buzzkill or contrarian, it isn’t necessary that your favourite film be played. Everyone just needs to agree to the movie or show before it is played. Pick a movie everyone will easily enjoy, not some weird film.

Thou shall always provide refreshment.

“Party no go nice if girls no dey” but in this case, party no go nice if refreshment no dey. Well, it doesn’t have to be popcorn — Eba Slaps too (if you’re actually think about it). It is just important that there is adequate food to munch on. Also, without the host asking, it’s important that you bring something along when coming. Who raised you people?

Thou shall not be overly sensitive or serious.

Again, it’s just a film and not your thesis. Relax. Take your argument and resentment to Twitter (you’ll find fanatics like you there). Quentin Tarantino or Tunde Kelani no send you. We know you only watch films rated 100% on Rotten Tomatoes, leave this one for us.

Thou shall always pause for others.

What is the fun of enjoying the film alone? If there is a reason someone in the crew needs a few minutes to pee or pick up a call, it’s only fitting that you pause for the person. You’re not Osama Bin Laden — Be kind, and at least you can use that time to do something else, like replying to your unread messages.

Thou shall pay attention and concentrate on the film.

Vibe they say, is contagious; if you aren’t paying attention to the film or you’re busy pressing your phones, chances are that the rest of the crew is equally distracted. Your phone can wait, but moments like this won’t last forever.

Thou shall not rewind the film unless the other parties agree to it.

Rewinding the film only slows down everyone. Please don’t do it. You can always check back on what you missed after the movie.

Tolulope Ebiseni

Written By

Occasional writer, Cinephile and critic.

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